Michael's posts with tag: joke
My 20th reunion is this August. The wife got this joke in her email an thought she'd share. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything!! LOL
 | Mark | May 5, '08 7:00 AM
for everyone |
LITTLE Mark ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little
MARK.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the
Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)
Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the ****ing difference?' asks the father
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH
Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of
a multi-syllable word?'
MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'
Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR
Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed
to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a
piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow You to go.'
Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !'
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the
same sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little MARK.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f ****** beautiful!''
LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER
Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f ****** business.
I LOVE Little MARK!!!!!
Comments made in the year 1955
That's only 53 years ago!
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it."
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on! Be sure and send it to your kids and grand kids too
The Weenie Test
Three third graders from Tennessee,
(an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new
game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay, they all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his
zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Irish
kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch
longer. Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home,
the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my
friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie!"
"What kind of game is that, honey?"
asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each
pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's
because you're twenty-one!"
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is a n indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head freq uently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
| Politics | Apr 13, '08 3:51 PM
for everyone |
Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep Shit ..
Wouldn't you just love to use these? *Best 'Out of Office' Automatic e-mail Replies:* 1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply To you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the Office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at All. 3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and Heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team. 4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return From vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the Order it was received. 5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for The first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and Try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can See who did this over and over and over....) 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in Approximately 19 weeks. 8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9. I've run away to join a different circus. 10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical Reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Susan' instead of Steve.
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
The wife replied,
'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the
pump...
And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your nose
will fall off.
Compared with Gasoline
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ . $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER -
and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is
Naive.)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismal or Nyquil.
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the
pump...
And remember - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
your nose will fall off.
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.
" And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.
" And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out o f him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
" Gotta love those Italians "
As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of
us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all
the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to
the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we
purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and
Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we
purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help
the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that
money here at home is to buy beer, since those are the only businesses
still in the US
| ug | Mar 6, '08 5:51 PM
for everyone |
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered." I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held on to the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
| hmmmmm | Feb 29, '08 8:59 PM
for everyone |
THREE THINGS TO PONDER
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during
the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in
Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in
the state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why
don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it
anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not
Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in
a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a
hostile work environment !
Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees...
Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town... pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping... Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ..
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break
the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
| Negative People
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to piss on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental", was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?"exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a
Dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the doo r and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo
|
|  | This is the missing picture from the blog |
Jeff Foxworthy on Buffalo
If you consider it a sport to sit in anice hut all day long with a rod and reel just to put perch in your freezer..you might live in Buffalo.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each yearbecause Lewiston is the coldest spot in the nation,you might live in Buffalo.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might livein Buffalo.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, youmight live in Buffalo.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, youmight live in Buffalo; because you're all so damn friendly.
If you have ever worn shorts, sunglasses and a parka at the same time, youmight live in Buffalo.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, or if you are in churchand your priest or minister asks you to pray for the Bills, and wants to getyou all home for 1 p.m. kickoff you might live in Buffalo.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed awrong number, you might live in Buffalo.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Buffalonian when:
1. 'Vacation' means going over to your cabin in Canada for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3 . You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, withoutflinching.
6. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
7. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
8. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
9. You know all 4 seasons: almost fall, winter, still winter and roadconstruction.
10. Down south to you means ERIE, PA.
11. You find '0' degrees 'a little chilly.'
12. You go out to fish fry every Friday, Prime Rib on Saturday and bingo everyWednesday.
13. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
14. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
15. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Buffalo friends!
Start theyear off right. Easy
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! Pass it on
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)
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