Michael's posts with tag: lisa
My 20th reunion is this August. The wife got this joke in her email an thought she'd share. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything!! LOL
The Weenie Test
Three third graders from Tennessee,
(an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new
game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay, they all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his
zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Irish
kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch
longer. Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home,
the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my
friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie!"
"What kind of game is that, honey?"
asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each
pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's
because you're twenty-one!"
Wouldn't you just love to use these? *Best 'Out of Office' Automatic e-mail Replies:* 1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply To you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the Office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at All. 3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and Heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team. 4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return From vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the Order it was received. 5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for The first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and Try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can See who did this over and over and over....) 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in Approximately 19 weeks. 8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9. I've run away to join a different circus. 10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical Reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Susan' instead of Steve.
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
The wife replied,
'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the
pump...
And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your nose
will fall off.
Compared with Gasoline
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ . $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER -
and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is
Naive.)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismal or Nyquil.
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the
pump...
And remember - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
your nose will fall off.
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.
" And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.
" And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out o f him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
" Gotta love those Italians "
 | ug | Mar 6, '08 5:51 PM
for everyone |
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered." I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held on to the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
| hmmmmm | Feb 29, '08 8:59 PM
for everyone |
THREE THINGS TO PONDER
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during
the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in
Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in
the state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why
don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it
anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not
Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in
a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a
hostile work environment !
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ..
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break
the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
The wind is gone for now. It's still cold here. 14 F when I left the house. Buffalo schools are closed to today. The wife is stuck at home with the boys. Not sure I wanna go home today. Tonight is the scholarship reception for Timon so we have a busy night. Philip will be downstairs with grandma while we are gone. He gets to miss religion class to night; it's ok since they will have a substitute tonight. Lisa is his teacher and she will be at Timon. It freezing out but in just a few weeks it will be baseball signup for Philip.
16 blogs in 3 days and still more to go. I’m working on a couple in Word and will be sending them out soon. So far it seems people want to know about the kidnapping more then anything else. Oh well that is one I’m working on. This weekend I’ve had a bad cough. Saturday morning I was up at 4:30 and tried sleeping on the couch so the wife could sleep. Sleeping sitting up helped but laying down was torture I did make it too the gym for an hour on Saturday but not Sunday. This coming week will be tough to get there. So this past week: On Tuesday Jimmy hurt his knee at Tae Kwon Do. It’s only a hyper extension but he’s still having pain. We stayed home Wednesday. Thursday was the usual I get to stay home for a little while when Lisa taught religion. Philip is one of her students and Jimmy helps out in class. Friday was the dinner so I skipped the gym. Saturday Jimmy took class but he had some pain. This sucks because he has a Level test for Tae Kwon Do on Wednesday at 7pm. If he passes he will be a 1st Dan level 2. That leaves at least 2 years until the next black belt test. Sunday was not pleasant with Jimmy. Girl trouble but that will be a different blog. Philip had a great time watching AFV this week. He couldn't stop laughing.
| hmmmm | Nov 15, '07 9:04 PM
for everyone |
COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - - - women like that are hard to find."
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick.
Headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today!
When I
feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me s?*?x. That
makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later! Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel
great. I be
work soon ... you got nice house."
| | DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had
their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner
at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. .. and they did?
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise,
peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were
because they were always in the car,
in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends
and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a "
and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once,
you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,
and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Send this on to someone who can still remember
Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy,
Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery,
the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows,
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,
Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool,
and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
I am sharing this with you today
because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between
old enough to know better and too young to care.
How many of these do you remember?
Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601).
Party lines
Peashooters
Howdy Dowdy
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from
their "grown-up" life . . .I double-dog-dare-ya!
| | |
Subject: Three little pigs > Three Little Pigs The Three Little Pigs Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. > "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy. > "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," But why have you only ordered beer all evening?" You're gonna LOVE me for this.... The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home! > Aren't you sorry you ever gave me your email address?????
Had very little time to blog today. Right after work the family went to America's Fair. Also known as the Erie County fair to normal people. Here's the link http://www.americas-fair.com/index.php. We went today for 2 reasons. 1 it was cheap today. 2. Kurt Busch was signing autographs. The line to see him was huge. My future ex brother in law once removed was guarding Kurt's wife. (So he was watching Kurt's Busch.... Yes a very bad joke) But on the upside he got Jimmy a personnalized autograph. Philip walked around with mom while I stayed in line for 2 hours with Jimmy. We missed a lot this year but we still have a week.
For about 2 weeks everything is normal, well for us anyway. During the 2 weeks Michelle tells me she questioned Beth on what she knew about what was going on with everyone. Of course Beth had stayed out of it and didnâÂÂt know anything except what she saw at the banquet. Now why would Michelle question the people that talk to me??? To put it mildly I was pissed at her. Then she decides she wants to visit with the family. Lisa (the wife) was so against it. I convinced her because I wanted to know what she was up to. So for a week at class my group was expecting to hear about a fight at my house between the two of them. That Saturday Michelle and her 2 boys come over. She left her future husband home. They brought their own snacks, that seemed rude, like they thought we would starve our guests. They were over for about 3 hours. I made pizza for lunch. I also did the dishes after. Now remember at one time Michelle bitched that I didnâÂÂt do enough around the house. Since making lunch is not out of the ordinary for me I assumed this was no big deal. The boys played foosball, pool, and air hockey.  Brandon was able to piss of Jimmy bragging about how great he was at pool. Too bad the kid couldnâÂÂt play.    Michelle said almost nothing. It was the most boring time I ever had. I made her play a game of foosball just to get her off the couch. That Monday at class people were surprised by how it went. She comes over to talk to us. Somehow it got around to me not doing anything around the house. I reminded her that I made her lunch and cleaned up after everyone. Two days go by and she forgets, I think she gets me and her fiancé (also named Mike) mixed up. He plays video games all day. We are coming to the end of the story. One more big chapter covering the last of January. Then there will be some emails I saved.
| |
